Archive | October, 2011

“The Craziest Day Ever”

31 Oct

Right dudes?

“Dude is this the craziest day ever or what? It’s the final night of Anytober at Subway, the McRib is in full effect, it’s Halloween, and a lot of the porn sites will be updating tomorrow with loads of new vids! God Bless America!!!!!!!!”

Land that I loooooooooooooovvvvvvvve...

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More Help With Pickup Lines

31 Oct

from the master of disaster himself:

“Don’t waste your time telling girls they’re beautiful. There are reflective surfaces and mirrors everywhere brother, she’s aware that she’s beautiful. Come up with something more interesting than that like “Too bad they passed that ordinance making it so we all have to wear pants everywhere, huh?” or “I like your outfit, but it’d look better in my laundry room with my maid washing it in her underwear, don’t you think?” Stuff like that really gets the girl. Good luck this week!”

Playing Dress Up

31 Oct

in the sneakiest way possible…

“Dressed up in a totally normal outfit for work for Halloween today and everyone’s all like “What the Hell? Why didn’t you dress up???” and then I’m all like, “I did. I’m dressed as a bad boss.” And then I grab their private parts and wink. Always keep people on their toes.”

Will do! 

Be A History Major

30 Oct

Cell phone history, that is…

“Make sure to check your phone history on weekend and other hard drinking mornings. You don’t want to be roaming around thinking everything’s cool with no knowledge of a 17 minute conversation you had at 4AM with a girl you told yourself you’d never speak to again who you’re going to see randomly later that night, ya know? And then when you find out the conversation was SOLELY about spaghetti recipes, you’ll really wish you knew that ahead of time. Make sense?”

Nope. Not at all.  

Knowing When To Drink

29 Oct

I think it’s all the time…

“The difference between daytime drinking and nighttime drinking is like the difference between me and you. We’re both awesome, but one of us is far more dangerous. That’s me, and Daytime Drinking, FYI.”

Glad we cleared that up. 

Ridiculous Lies

28 Oct

I guess the moral here is “don’t get in the car with a drunk driver”? I have no clue anymore…

This is the photo he sent. A two photo day!

““I know how to drive,” said the cat, slurring his sandpaper tongue around his dumb mouth and almost rolling off the hood. “No you don’t. You’re a cat, and you’re drunk as all hell.” “You have trust issues,” he replied, cutting me to the core. “Of course I do. I’ve never seen a relationship work!” But I got in anyway, and I ended up at the bottom of a ravine with a dead cat and $100,000 cash in a meat locker that was frozen shut. “Too late in the day for it to thaw, not enough sunlight left. Have to wait until tomorrow like that old Silverchair song,” I thought. Then I realized I wasn’t actually in a ravine, but in the bushes outside of a hotel lobby in Venice. And it wasn’t a cat I was talking to, but a homeless man named Too Tall Jamal– and he WASN’T EVEN LISTENING. Thanks for nothing, PCP!”

Maybe it’s “don’t do drugs”? 

Eat The 99%

28 Oct

That would be his slogan. Or maybe “Occupy That Fucking Park.” Anyway I’m hungover and hate everything so I agree with him…

“Look at this douchebag’s Prius. “99%” Oh yeah buddy. You’re part of the 99% except for the fact that you drive a Prius in America and are probably white and can also probably read and write and have three square meals a day and shelter and not AIDS. Oh wait, YOU ARE THE 1% YOU UNGRATEFUL, COMPLAINING, CRYBABY FUCK! PS wash your car it looks like shit.”

Here is the douchebag’s Prius in question:

Look on the douchebag's dashboard...

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