Archive | September, 2011


30 Sep

Can’t wait to receive all the treats in this book:

He spends a lot of time around trashcans.

“Kind of a no-brainer as far as dinner goes tonight. Clearly this human understood the finer things in life and can be trusted implicitly.”


Don’t Mess With His Girl

29 Sep

I love that this is probably an honest email for once:

“Fucking Jersey Shore almost made me cry tonight. That Gianni dude is a piece of shit!!!! No one treats Snooki like that!!! Did you see how sad she was bro??? I hope not, you shouldn’t be watching TV. You should be refereeing pussy-eating contests. 

And by the way, if you ever date a girl who shows her skirt steak at a nightclub FOR FUN, get down on a knee brother, it’s time to lock that lady up for life.”

I did not see Jersey Shore tonight, but not because I was refereeing anything.

Don't break her heart bro!


No Need To Remember

29 Sep

So long as you’re awesome…

“I literally have no clue who over half the people in my phone are. I mean NO FUCKING CLUE. Who is Antonette? She sounds like a fancy broad from another era. Who’s “Bad News Brenda?” and why did I take her number? And who on earth is “Carl DO NOT ANSWER” and why can’t I answer if he calls? Fuck that rule.

 But more importantly, think fast- what does that tell you about me? Answer: I’m awesome. Awesome people don’t care who they meet, and we certainly don’t remember them. Our memories are too full of donkey poems, high wire threesomes and alligator fistfights to remember that say, for instance, your name is Abigail and I owe you $400.”

I feel bad for Abigail. She’s never going to see that money.  

Accidental Animal

29 Sep

This one’s just weird which should come as no surprise:

“Just realized I did a thing I’m now calling “Accidental Authority.” I told someone in a group of people that I had “No fucking clue” what they were talking about. And I didn’t, but I also certainly didn’t have to say it that way. But when I said it, it took the entire group of people and flung them into a World where their chosen topic of conversation was a bunch of bullshit. That scared them, and after a few moments of silence, a cute girl said, “I mean… I guess I don’t know much about it either.” Suddenly I was in charge. The person openly purporting to be undereducated on the subject at hand, comparatively. I’m stoned and smart as fuck. Are you with me? You are? Okay. So try that sometime. Let the other dude in the group talk himself out, wait for the natural pause and say something that lets everyone know you couldn’t give TWO SHITS about them, their platitudes and their boring-ass, required conversation. What, too scared to just stare at each other and lick our lips like the beasts we are? People hate feeling like that. The herd will separate. Take the weakest.”

I’m just surprised he didn’t tell me to look up what “platitudes” are. I did anyway.


Preparing for the weakest of the herd.

New Song Idea

28 Sep

For my non-existent band to play:

“I’ve always felt that the World has missed a step by never making a parody of the Police song “I Can’t Stand Losing” called “I Can’t Stop Boozing.” I would sing the shit out of that song. I already do sing it, and no one’s even made it yet. Do me a favor and record it with your emo band The Fucktards and email it to me. THX!!!!!!!!!!”

The song is actually called “I Can’t Stand Losing You.”

Annoyed By Technology

28 Sep

and me, as usual. He called me 5 times in a row last night after we were texting, but I fell asleep. Then he emailed me this:

“What the fuck is wrong with you? If you text me, and then ONE SECOND LATER I call you, how do you not answer? You’re holding your phone dude. I know this. It’s a fact. I don’t want to talk for five hours like a 13 year old Italian schoolgirl. I want information. FUCK!!!”

He was just asking me dumb questions about fantasy football anyway. I spare you guys from a lot of shit trust me. 

Everyone’s A Dog

27 Sep

In his mind at least…

“People are best handled like dogs. Ask them to sit down while you stand, don’t let them walk into rooms before you, and every now and then ask them to tell you a joke and when they do, give them a piece of your food and say, “Good!” But the first part is most important. Standing in a social situation where everyone’s sitting makes people nervous. What is he doing? Is he going to leave? Don’t leave! People will even TELL YOU you’re making them nervous, that’s how powerful it is. They’ll actually ADMIT that you’re holding power over them. Throw in a condescending head-pat every now and then and the person will start asking you how you like your coffee. Black, just like my best friends.”

Then you can shit in the driveway and they'll clean it up for you.

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