Archive | May, 2011

Race Relations

31 May

It’s hard to tell how serious he is about something like this…

“Racism is still alive and well, my friend. Don’t believe me? Check out Fox News or the NHL. There’s like ten black dudes total in there. What’s that? There aren’t many ice skating rinks in black neighborhoods? Fuck you, David Duke! The point is, white people have it easy. And white women have it the EASIEST. That’s why for the rest of the year, I’m only going to have sex with minorities. Everyone’s always fucking white girls, it’s so passe. I feel like all the Black, Latino, Asian, Blasian, Blatino, and Latinafrican-Americans are being ignored. Well not by this penis anymore! Join me on my quest, and help make this World a better place.”

I looked up David Duke and he’s a really interesting/terrible person. 

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“Dreams Don’t Come True”

31 May

According to him. He sent this weird photo…

“After 17 years of trying to make it in the music biz, Billy the Giant Guitar finally gave up today. Let that be a lesson to you– Dreams don’t come true.”

Even the trashcans are beautiful in LA.

Mr. Fix It

31 May

Tips for people with anger problems:

“They’re doing inspections on our whole apartment building tomorrow, so I had to go into evasive drunk action over the weekend to fix the three doors and one wall I’ve destroyed over the past year. How, you ask? Simple. Alcohol + Women + Unresolved Childhood Issues = ME SMASH EVERYTHING!!!!! It’s like the time I turned into the Hulk outside a bar and literally destroyed a man’s car with my fists. I cannot be stopped when angry, and physical things are like a joke to me. Walls? Hahahahahahaha! Gimme a break, walls. I will fucking punch right through you like I’m in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Anyway, if you ever need some tips on how to fix up your dorm or frathouse room or off-campus apartment, just give me a call. I should have my own TV show I’m such a good carpenter at this point. I’m all into stucco and drywall and paint and all that shit. Fuck I know how to hang doors at this point! I’m like Bob Vila, except awesome and drunk and mean.”

Just add alcohol!

Brace Yourself

31 May

My Memorial Day involved some drinking, but nothing like this email he sent last night:

“What do you know about 30 year old black women with braces? Nothing, right? Me too, until earlier today, thanks to God and America and General Patton and Granddad killing all those Japs in the 40’s, I got to understand what they’re all about. They’re all about sex. And that’s important to remember. Also it’s important to remember that if you’ve had 25 drinks, you should watch porn before a girl comes over, up to the minute she knocks on the door, otherwise your shpilkis horn won’t work properly.”

Hardest photo I've ever tried to find.

Memorializing It

29 May

He’s right about all of the below…

“Memorial Day is a day where we remember all the awesome wars by getting packages of dead animals and setting them on fire. Like an “offering” I guess you could say. So make sure to get real drunk during the day, eat tons of meat and talk shit to any Japanese, German, Korean, Vietnamese, Russian, Afghani, Iraqui, Serbian– shit I guess everyone.  Just hate everyone who’s not super white. Fuckin’ get angry up in that bitch!!!! And don’t forget about how WWII sent Granddad into a tailspin of booze, womanizing and awesomeness, and Vietnam made Uncle Gary into a pedophile, so it’s important that we pay our respects.”

Except that, for the 30th time, our Uncle Gary is not a pedophile. 

God Bless America.

Updating The Fistfight List

29 May

For those of you playing at home…

“I was really drunk last night (surprise!) And White Men Can’t Jump was on TV. Well guess what, America? That shit’s going on the Fistfight List. Here is an updated version for your records:

Things I Will Punch You in the Face For if You Don’t Like them

Scripted TV: THE WIRE

Reality TV: JERSEY SHORE

Music: OLD RAP

Movies: WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP

Book Learning: KURT VONNEGUT

I think that’s about it for now. As far as art goes I know what I like but I’m not sure who makes it. Go to a BBQ today and piss your pants in front of everyone. Ladies find that shit hilarious and also arousing because it shows how confident you are about your sexuality.”

My Dad is BBQing right now. Should I do it? It feels right. 

Post Script

28 May

I love that this is “my plan” all of a sudden:

“PS forgot to add since your plan is to go buckwild all weekend: If you’re going to get arrested, make sure you’re wasted. You won’t give a shit!!!! Getting arrested while stoned, yacked, shmoiked, zoinkered, squanked or blown is a nightmare. Never do it.” 

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