Archive | April, 2011

Word To The Wise

30 Apr

on eating…

“It’s always the last tuna roll at the sushi buffet that gets you. Similarly, the last girl left in a bar, if eaten, will give you food poisoning. I’m off to the bathroom again!” 

I think this is his way of saying that he’s sick.

I like sushi but it's too expensive.


Games We Play

29 Apr

He speaks the truth from time to time…

“How have girls not figured out the “all of a sudden I’m texting you again” game? What do you think I fell into a wormhole after falling in love with you? I don’t care about you, idiot– I just have a boner!”

The Royal Treatment

29 Apr

I figured this is where he’d come down on this issue:

“PS if anyone says anything to you about the royal wedding today, call them a turncoat and punch them straight in the face. No prisoners! Fags with British accents have been taking our women for far too long, and I won’t stand for it anymore. “Oh blimey bla bla bla I’m an idiot with fucked up teeth but because I have an accent you think I’m smart and will fuck me. Blimey bling blong!” Royal assclowns is more like it, am I right?!?!?! Am I right?!?!?!?!?!”

Royal Assclowns

The Long Ride Home

29 Apr


“Banged a demon from the fourth ward of Hell last night. She had red eyes and growled while climaxing. Conversations on the car ride home included “Do you like stuff?” and “Hey look at that!” I dropped her off on the corner of Who Cares and Never Again, went to work and puked in the bathroom. Somebody stop me!”

I looked up those streets on Google Maps and can’t find them.

Mock Draft Addendum

28 Apr

This is pretty great:

“Just like I said. Re-read my Mock Draft. Titans beefed up security, bitches!

Mel Kiper my ass.”

It’s pretty uncanny that this came out one day after his ramblings that At eight, the Titans choose an ex-Mossad security expert, citing “the extreme amount of players with dreadlocks on our team” as reason enough to hire extra security.”” Just like he predicted the problems with the iPhone mysteriously taking pictures of people when he invented BlirBlop or whatever it was called. 

It’s All Relative

28 Apr

He’s on a real family kick today what with Dad’s birthday and all:

“I did a thorough search on and found that we come from a long line of self destructive drunk fucks. Embrace that. Why? Because you can’t escape your past, Ronnie! You can’t escape it! That’s a line from my favorite movie “Escaping Ronnie’s Past” starring Farklam Harnish as “Ronnie.” Just kidding. I fucking hate it when people quote movies. Make up yo own shit bitch!” 

Glad he clarified that it wasn’t a real movie. I was about to go rent it. 

Happy Birthday Dad

28 Apr

He doesn’t read this site, but still…

“Remember that Dad’s birthday is today. His last birthday. Because I’m going to kill him at Christmas. You’re welcome on both fronts.”

Our Dad's name is not Troy. That would be weird.

%d bloggers like this: