Archive | March, 2011

Love Analysis

31 Mar

Back to his eavesdropping ways…

“Just heard a girl inadvertently explain our country’s divorce rate when she said, “Only single girls need to worry about what they eat!” Amen sister! Lonely Hearts Ice Cream Club starts in 30 minutes– hop on your Vespa I’ll save you a seat next to Marjorie. She’s bringing cake!!!!!!!”

He tends to just drift off into weirdsville sometimes.

 

Knowing When To Say…

31 Mar

That you fucked someone:

“When someone says to you “Hey do you remember that girl So-and-So Stevens?” Be careful when you answer. Someone just asked me if I remembered a girl from college and I said “How could I forget her? I stinkfingered her in a booth at O’Malley’s freshman year! Why do you ask?” to which they responded, “She just died.” So, you know, be careful and shit. Maybe say “Why do you ask?” first.”

This is the type of thing that only happens to him.

The Next Social Network

31 Mar
He’s really onto something here. Something terrible:

“I think I figured it out. Facebook is like everyone’s photo album, and Twitter is like everyone’s poop-stained diary. But what’s missing here? Actual living and breathing! That’s why I’ve created BlirBop, an iPhone App that takes a video and audio recording of your life at 24 different random moments of the day and then edits them together into an iMovie that it sends to everyone you’ve ever met without your permission. You have no way of knowing when it will be recording, and even if you don’t have an iPhone it will still get you somehow YOU FUCKER!! BLIRBOP WILL FIND YOUR ASS AND FILM THE SHIT OUT OF IT!!!!!!! Okay we need to work on the slogan and ad copy but the rest is there. Time for you to join the B-School, future BlirBop Head of Marketing!”

A lot of my fellow freshman can’t say that they have a job already promised to them, but now I can. Thank goodness.

But What Does He Know?

30 Mar

That’s the question…

“My Doctor says that even though Bud Select 55 is a low calorie beer, it’s still not good to drink 12 in one sitting. But what if I get up to smoke cigarettes? What does your fancy degree say about that, Dr. Lowenstein? Huh you pompous fuck?”

I learned that what he’s doing there is called “projecting” his anger.

Setting The Mood

30 Mar

I’m not sure if this would work:

“A lot of dudes want to put on some smooth music when they get a lady in the room, like some Lenny Kravitz or Billy Ocean, but I’m gonna suggest a different route. For me, the best sexual mood music is Speed Metal. Nothing says ‘Time to get pregnant” like blaring guitars and guttural death screams.”

Actually, I am sure. it wouldn’t.

Lady killers. Literally.

 

 

Before You Take That Drink…

30 Mar

tonight, watch this video:

“Dude have you seen this shit? It’s an old family of wizards from the 1980’s that used to go around to AA meetings to cheer people up. Try singing this song to yourself when you’re at the bar as a reminder so you never have an uncomfortable wakeup in Lake Michelob.”


Didn’t Need To Know That

30 Mar

Like, 4realz…

“I call my penis Kevin James, because it’s fat AND hilarious!”

And kids love him! Sorry...

 

 

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