Archive | February, 2011

You Follow Me?

28 Feb

He has an uncanny ability to scare the shit out of people with weird comments:

“Was just talking to this hot chick and she said “You should totally  follow me on Twitter” to which I responded, “I’ll do you one better. I’ll follow  you home tonight and record your every move from your bushes.” Then I showed her this photo. WINNING!”

I’m a bit surprised we haven’t heard more about the continuing Charlie Sheen saga from him. I know he’s an admirer. 

Creep style.



28 Feb

New text to keep in mind:

“Last day of Feb- try to high five all the black students and say “Sorry so short! Next year is a leap year dude!” since the month is super short and all.” 

I’ll be sure to do this today. Check back with me tomorrow where I’ll be posting from the hospital. 

More Lore

28 Feb

He’s so excited for my trip, which btw is looking more like Mexico than anything else. Hope something like this happens:

“One year on Spring Break I had sex with a 40 year old woman on the floor of the bathroom I was sharing with six friends, and no one even batted an eye. People came in, brushed their teeth, took pisses, one guy even showered– that’s how booty-butt-bonkers Spring Break is. Just me smashing some old  bag of bones on the floor, business as usual. At one point she said to me “My son’s almost your age” to which I of course replied “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuutttttuuuuuuuuuuppppppp!” Oh man, you’re gonna have so much fun!!!!!”

The phrase “booty-butt-bonkers” is a new one for me. 

Mind Control

27 Feb

An interesting new perspective on the brain from one of our foremost scientists:

“Just had a thought: If the right side of your brain controls the left side of your body, and the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, what part of your brain controls your johnson rod? That bad boy’s dead center. It’s the wild west down there– he’s on his own. And rightfully so. A thing of such power can be controlled by NO MAN! NO MAN I SAY! So listen up when he’s talking to you, no matter how dangerous his ideas may be.”

Makes sense actually.

Made Up Memories

27 Feb

This is one of those weird emails that (more than his sexism) shows exactly who he is:

“”Don’t tell Mom the babysitter’s dead!” Remember when I told you that for real because I killed the babysitter and then a fucking movie came out by the same title like three weeks later? Talk about art imitating life! Just kidding. You were still just a dream in Dad’s nutsack and Mom’s heart when that movie came out. I did once “kill” a babysitter though.”

Why is kill is quotes? 

Circa 1991.

Post Script

26 Feb

He sent this to me and five of his friends. BCC’d me too, like I’m a secret haha:

“Had a funny date with a 21 year old girl last night. We were sitting there looking at the menu, me thinking about how expensive everything was and how girls in their 20’s are like hookers except allowed to talk (which makes them worse than hookers), her thinking about how expensive everything was and how that’s a sign of both my interest in her and capability as a male to protect her from the scary world. We ate, I paid, we hit up a bar, I paid, we took a cab, I paid, we went back to my place and had sex. She paid– am I right fellas?!?!?!?!?!?!!!??! Lol. Seriously though I fucked the hell out of her. God bless 21 year olds. They don’t have a care in the World.

PS: Total bill for the night: $211.31. If her family only knew what she did for a living…” 

So this is what older guys are doing with our college classmates. And here I thought they were taking them to poetry slams and picking out wedding bands. Shit!

And The Award Goes To…

26 Feb

Still annoyed that I watched some of the Grammy’s…

Hey the Oscars are tomorrow night– you gonna watch?!?!?! Fuck no! You’re gonna be giving out the award for “Best Use of a Free Hand During a Blowjob” to Betsy “Stink-Finger” Fredricks. Good luck and remember, start the music if that loudmouth’s acceptance speech gets too long!”

This gives me an idea: Maybe I should do some sort of Dorm Awards ceremony at the end of the year. Biggest Whore, Best at Video Games, Gayest, etc. 


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