I’m happy to share this yearly roundup he sends to a dozen or so people…
“Friends, Countrymen, Irish People:
It is with a heavy heart that I write you today. My pet ant George passed away yesterday when he tried to lift eleven times his own body weight, which we all know is impossible. KIM-possible, even. I scattered his ashes onto a hit of acid and sold it to a busboy at a Ruby Tuesday’s. But emotions aside, I must press on. So I present to you, as is tradition, with MY TOP TEN MOMENTS OF 2010 list. They are:
10. My first ever trip to Wrigley Field. Cubs beat the Rockies, and I beat the shit out of a smart-aleck in a parking lot.
9. Winning $750 playing blackjack for 5 hours with a friend I hadn’t seen in a year.
8. Spending 200 of those dollars at a combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell by making it rain while screaming “No one leaves hungry! No one leaves hungry!”
7. Winning a Fucking Contest in Louisiana. Talk about “Dirty South,” I had bandaids on my dick for two weeks!
6. The time I raped myself after drinking nine jager bombs. I woke up at noon, naked on the floor of my bathroom. There was lotion everywhere. Weird!
5. The afternoon I played corn-hole on a mountaintop with Kirk Cameron and Brooke Burns from “Wild on E!”
4. On mushrooms at Bonaroo, having a staring contest with Jay-Z that interrupted his show for 19 minutes. You guessed right. I won when I told a deadpan, satirical joke about the difference between men and women and he burst out laughing. HOVE!
3. Getting a 45 minute blowjob from a college girl while watching Inglorious Basterds and drinking some Makers Mark.
2. Wrestling a Rottweiler in an expensive gentlemen’s club in Shanghai for my dinner.
1. The weekend in Cheddar Bay. Unlimited biscuits, angry black waitresses… I mean, what the fuck else could you ask for?
Happy 2045 Everyone!”
He’s obsessed with Cheddar Bay Biscuits. If you’re not familiar:
Hoping to get laid tonight. Good luck to the rest of you.