Archive | December, 2010

Counting Down

31 Dec

I’m happy to share this yearly roundup he sends to a dozen or so people…

“Friends, Countrymen, Irish People:

It is with a heavy heart that I write you today. My pet ant George passed away yesterday when he tried to lift eleven times his own body weight, which we all know is impossible. KIM-possible, even. I scattered his ashes onto a hit of acid and sold it to a busboy at a Ruby Tuesday’s. But emotions aside, I must press on. So I present to you, as is tradition, with MY TOP TEN MOMENTS OF 2010 list. They are:

10. My first ever trip to Wrigley Field. Cubs beat the Rockies, and I beat the shit out of a smart-aleck in a parking lot.

9. Winning $750 playing blackjack for 5 hours with a friend I hadn’t seen in a year.

8. Spending 200 of those dollars at a combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell by making it rain while screaming “No one leaves hungry! No one leaves hungry!”

7. Winning a Fucking Contest in Louisiana. Talk about “Dirty South,” I had bandaids on my dick for two weeks!

6. The time I raped myself after drinking nine jager bombs. I woke up at noon, naked on the floor of my bathroom. There was lotion everywhere. Weird!

5. The afternoon I played corn-hole on a mountaintop with Kirk Cameron and Brooke Burns from “Wild on E!”

4. On mushrooms at Bonaroo, having a staring contest with Jay-Z that interrupted his show for 19 minutes. You guessed right. I won when I told a deadpan, satirical joke about the difference between men and women and he burst out laughing. HOVE!

3. Getting a 45 minute blowjob from a college girl while watching Inglorious Basterds and drinking some Makers Mark.

2. Wrestling a Rottweiler in an expensive gentlemen’s club in Shanghai for my dinner.

1. The weekend in Cheddar Bay. Unlimited biscuits, angry black waitresses… I mean, what the fuck else could you ask for?

Happy 2045 Everyone!”

He’s obsessed with Cheddar Bay Biscuits. If you’re not familiar:

Hoping to get laid tonight. Good luck to the rest of you.


Hiding Spots

31 Dec

We used to play hide and seek when I was like 5-7 and he was 15-17, and he would always cheat. I would find him reading a magazine in an off-limits hiding spot like our parent’s bedroom, or sometimes he would just drive his car to a friend’s house and not come back for hours. Anyway…

“I was hanging out with some single girls last night (raise the roof!) and some of them were saying how every New Year’s Eve they have to find a hiding spot before the countdown so as to avoid the awkwardness of some random guy trying to kiss them per our custom. This got me thinking– maybe you should hide out in the women’s restroom (a favorite hiding spot of theirs) right before the countdown and then when some cute single girl rushes in to avoid being kissed, you can fling open the door and yell “Showtime!” and start kissing them. Just a thought.”


30 Dec

A puzzling, troubling text:

“Hey dude. Just figured out how Stella got her groove back. Long story. Call for details.”

I called and he didn’t answer. I hate him sometimes.

Assuming Identities

30 Dec

I’m sure these nicknames would be big hits with the ladies:

“This fella “The Situation” seems to be getting a lot of good publicity and getting laid a lot. I’m thinking that a nickname could help you do better with the ladies next semester. I came up with a couple ideas for you. Feel free to use them:

1. The Dictionary: You could yell “Funk & Wagnals!” every time you enter a party. People would probably get really excited. “Oh shit The Dictionary’s here!’ is something they might scream. And then a hot girl would say, “He knows everything” and pass out.

2. The Problem Area: When you meet girls say “Whatup bitch it’s The Problem Area” and then move your hands in a circle in front of your dick. I bet a couple hot sorority girls would go, “Uh-oh!” in unison and then smile and look at each other like the Olsen Twins used to.

Hope those help. I’ll text if I come up with any more.”

The Encyclopedia?


The Tell Tale Cell

29 Dec

New text:

“FYI: Although not every slut owns a pink cell phone, every pink cell phone is owned by a slut. And don’t even get me started if that shit is bedazzled.”

And if there's a Hello Kitty logo, watch out, she's Asian!

Always On My Mind

29 Dec

So thankful for nuggets of wisdom like these:

“One time I got a hooker (okay, 33 times, but this ONE time) and her mouth tasted like ashtrays and assholes put together, which seemed really weird, am I right? But it all came together later when I saw her eat a cigarette out of my friend’s asshole. Duh! I guess that just goes to show you that you shouldn’t kiss everyone you’re paying for sex. Keep that in mind motherfucker!”

How could I forget that?


29 Dec

Another one that might come in handy soon:

“New Year’s Eve is coming up, and with it, the tide of irrational and unrealistic goals being set forth by the masses. “I want to lose weight!” “I want to learn the piano!” “I want to stop eating so much shrimp that I get iodine poisoning every week!” Whatever they are, realize that women make the majority of them, and that in the days leading up to this “new life” of theirs, they’re going to be living very gluttonously in fear of the pending change. So take advantage of this. I did a poll of the stereotypes of women I’ve made up in my brain, and 75% of them want to stop sucking so many dicks in the new year… meaning New Year’s Eve will be the last night they’re mouthing around your town. Understand this, and get after ’em!”

%d bloggers like this: