Archive | November, 2010


30 Nov


“Don’t ever forget about Google when you’re in a bind. The two Iranians who made up that website basically know everything in the world and they can always help you. I’ve asked it stuff like “Where am I?” and “How do you re-heat a rotisserie chicken?” and it always hooks up an answer. “

So I looked it up and not surprisingly, Google was neither invented nor run by “Two Iranians.”

That being said, I see how he made the mistake.


Random Thought #268

30 Nov

That’s about all this is…

“What’s up with this new “homeless people pushing all their junk in baby strollers” thing? Did the homeless finally get the concept of comedic juxtaposition and this is some highly organized sick joke? It should be outlawed. That’s all.”

It's an epidemic.

Like a Sexist Nostradamus

29 Nov

And somehow he’s still my Mom’s favorite:

“Since the semester is winding down, you might want to offer a complimentary weigh-in for the girls in your dorm– just to make sure they’re on track for the Freshman 15. You weighed them all back in August, right? God I hope I didn’t forget to tell you to do that. They should be around +10 right now before going home, getting yelled at by their Moms, making a “resolution” to workout more and then crying their way through a large Cheesy-Bites pizza on February 14th.”

This is from a girl's blog who is gaining weight on purpose. The Internet is so fucking weird.


29 Nov

Despite him telling me not to tell people my fantasy football stories, he emailed me this overnight:

“Did you see Little Stevie Johnson drop that touchdown pass? I did, and it FUCKED MY WHOLE FANTASY SEASON! But I think there’s a lesson to be learned here, which is that when times get tough, sometimes you just need to blame God. God fucks up on a lot of things, like floods and deformed babies and touchdown passes. When he does, you can’t just sit idly by. You’ve got to let him know. Via Twitter. Because God reads Twitter.”

If you’re not aware (I wasn’t) Steve Johnson dropped a potential game-winning touchdown pass and then tweeted the following:




29 Nov

Two exciting and important things of note here as I realize that I TOTALLY FORGOT to write a paper that’s due Tuesday. Awesome…

1. Despite my brother’s insistence that “tweeting” is when you stick your pinky up someone’s ass while giving them an eskimo kiss, I’ve decided to start a Twitter page for this. All it does is tell you when a new post is up, since this site has clearly gone (as the little attendance bars tell me) from six of you to a lot more. GET@ME DOG#!@#

2. I’ve been kind of holding an ace, or maybe a joker, up my sleeve for a while, a video he sent me… but now that I’ve followed his advice to get a credit card that comes tomorrow/Tuesday, I’m going to be able to post it. It costs like $40 to post videos. Since I “don’t have to pay it back” it will be worth it. Stay tuned. Off to the library now. Yay!

And Sometimes It Doesn’t

28 Nov

I got a little worried at the beginning of this one, but he pulled it out:

“I keep hearing this new mantra from everyone: “It Gets Better.” It’s for gay kids thinking of killing themselves, but I thought it made sense for you too from another angle.

Never forget this: It doesn’t get better than college. Ever. At all.”

Truly compelling.

How to be a Champion

28 Nov


“I just learned about this new “Cheesy Bites Pizza” by Pizza Hut. Are you aware of this monstrosity? It’s a pepperoni pizza surrounded by 28 (28!!!!!) cheese sticks instead of crust. It’s like a fucking SNL sketch! If you ever see anyone eating one of these, go into their room, throw the whole thing in the trash, then point at them, then back at the trashcan and say “No!” just like you would to a dog who’d pooped on your carpet. They’ll thank you later. Or they’ll cry. Either way you’re a champion.”

Here it is...



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