Archive | September, 2010

An Important Note

30 Sep

A new text, and of great importance:

“Remember: You might be able to facefuck some of the people, some of the time. But you can never facefuck all of the people, all of the time.”

Holy shit I hope I never forget that!


More Fun with Words…

28 Sep

Again, he sent this to me and like ten other people:

“I before E except after C and when sounding in “ay” as in neighbor or weigh. Oh yeah, and one other time. In the word WEIRD. Think about it you fucking assholes.”

You can’t argue with that one. It is weird.

I Think They’re Called “Aphorisms”

27 Sep

Another email today:

“You know how Run-DMC sends people emails from his bathtub every night, stuff like “People will be people” and other genius observations like that? I’m gonna start doing that for you, while I take a shower every day. Here’s one for today:

There are some songs that men know the lyrics to that are total bitch songs, like “Underneath Your Clothes” by Shakira or “Take a Bow’ by Madonna. And why do we know these songs? Because we used to masturbate to the video. You kids nowadays don’t know shit about masturbating to regular TV shows and music videos because you’ve been able to hop on the Internet and type “Interracial Threeway A2M” since you could pop a boner, but this used to be the only way to get your kicks besides Uncle Gary’s old Playboy collection (huge bushes, sticky pages- weird!). It used to be that you’d have to get yourself fired up around the times you knew some proper beat-worthy shows were on, like MTV’s “The Grind” or any BET Countdown, and then KEEP yourself going until the right video came on. The trick was to get your nut at the exact right time also, because there was nothing worse than cumming all over yourself at the exact time they did a closeup of the handsome bullfighter instead of Madonna writhing in those Spanish sheets. That image, and the shame that came with it, would stay with you for days.

Just something to think about the next time you get down.”

I think it’s just Run who sends the emails, not both of them.

Apparently a mid 90's week ruiner

On the Topic of Babes

23 Sep

More food for thought:

“This old lesbian I work with just said something really funny. She goes, “Everyone knows that babes are like bacon- they go with everything!” She’s so right. Babes are also like bacon in the following ways:

  • They are tempting.
  • They are everywhere.
  • They are terrible for you.
  • They will eventually kill you.
  • They taste great no matter how you cook them.”

And there you have it, folks.

Hotel Hell

23 Sep

Always looking out for me…

“Hey- I was just thinking- people seem to die a lot in hotel rooms. Just keep that in mind.”

Always good to remember.

He’s a Movie Critic Now

21 Sep

I think he actually might be right here…

“Just saw that movie Inception. How come Leo’s character didn’t just have Michael Caine fly those little brat kids to France if he wanted to see them so bad? He wouldn’t have had to go to all that trouble then what with the dream stealing and the killing and all. Would have saved me 3 hours. Just a thought.”

Literally as I cut and pasted this, my roommate Sean farted and now he can’t stop laughing. Oh college…

Food for Thought

18 Sep

He sent me this today:

“Have I taught you about the food situation yet? Whenever you go to the cafeteria, take a couple forks, knives and spoons each time- keep the ones you didn’t use, put them in your backpack or something. Do that for a couple weeks, then move to plates and bowls. Stack them like you didn’t notice, and do the same. Let me know when you’re done and I’ll teach you how to barter that cutlery and dishware for favors and drugs.”

Can’t wait for the bartering tutorial.

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