Hot Hot Hot

24 Mar

This is something I figured wouldn’t ever change:

“Newsflash– if you’re drunk and you cook a pizza at home, you WILL definitely end up with third degree mouth burns. This does not change with age.”



The Good Old Days

17 Jun

Surprise! He misses them:

I yearn for the days when you could just casually lie in conversation without some fucktard Googling your lie and calling you out on it. Just babbled on about some historical event like The Battle of Las Cruces to prove that I wasn’t racist and Jim from HR tried to tell me there was no such thing, and then he proved it with his “smart phone,” which was not nearly as smart two minutes later when it “fell” into a “cup of coffee” at my “desk” while he was in the “bathroom.” Simple as that. Fuck the Internet.”

Don't fuck the Internet.

Don’t fuck the Internet.

Just Don’t

17 Jun

Or do. I dunno anymore…

Just punched a bee out of the air. Why? Because I could. Most people can’t even swat a bee against a wall, let alone punch the honey out of one that’s MID FUCKING FLIGHT. And if you can ever do something that other people can’t, like play the piano or dunk- just do it. Just do it all the time like those rich white guys said to those poor, talented black kids in the 80’s. “Just do it fellas! Here is some equipment to do it with!” That’s a real quote from the founder of Nike’s autobiography called, “I Took All The Biscuits.” Anyway my point is, it’s important to make people feel small by demonstrating your talents in front of them and their nephews as often as possible.”

"Hahahaha I fell down!"

“Hahahaha I fell down!”

How To Have Sex With Your Co-Workers

13 Jun

Important information for summer internships:

“The best way to nail coworkers is to go out to a bar with them and hit on other random chicks at the bar in front of them. You probably won’t get laid that night, but you’ll have just established a wild, disorganized game of Russian Penis Roulette with them all. Heck you might even find yourself banging Linda from Building Maintenance three years later in an abandoned stretch limo if you’re not careful!”

Linda needs to maintain her fucking house better.

Linda needs to maintain her fucking house better.


Shoutout To The Youth

1 Jun

From a complete dickhead:

“Hey I just wanted to thank everyone under the age of 30 for being so absolutely shitty at everything that it gives drunks with emotional problems like me a second chance at life. Here I was, buried under a pile of cocaine and arrogant Filipino lesbians a few years ago, thinking it was all over for me, that a new group of young upstarts was coming to take my job… but then you guys showed up, shrugging your shoulders and complaining about everything, thinking everyone owes you something, one-upping each other’s stories so much that at the end of an hour one of you declares himself Lord Xenu, ruler of all things lame, and generally just NOT BEING WORTH A SHIT. So thanks a lot, youngsters– it’s your absolute inability to do anything worthwhile that has allowed me to puke at my desk and not get fired for the last ten years!”

I thought he did get fired. Wait a second, is my brother a liar? 

Even young Asian men are failing.

Even young Asian men are failing.

How Many Times Can One Man Get Fired?

16 May

Or quit or whatever other bullshit…

“Well I quit my job today. Had to give my dipshit boss a ride to the Saab dealership because his Saab’s vulva collapsed and I take a turn real hard along the way (because fuck physics) and there was some tinkling sound and he’s like, “What’s all that noise?” and I was like “Probably just some beer bottles” and then he was all like, “Why do you have beer bottles on the floor of your car?” So I slammed on the brakes, undid his door’s child lock and asked him to get out. At first he thought maybe I was joking but once I screamed it like ten times and starting coughing a bunch he did in fact get out. “Why do I have beer bottles on the floor of my car?” Next he was probably gonna ask me why I don’t alphabetize my Blue-Rays. BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. That’s why. Cleaning up after your awesomeness is like if they cleaned up after a war instead of leaving all those burnt up antiques everywhere for the Armenians to steal. Know what I mean?”



It’s Not Over

16 May

Until your old shitty body says it is. This makes me so sad about getting older:

“Oh I’m sorry dick and bladder, I figured we were done peeing when you completely stopped peeing and let me zip up my cool new summer shorts and walk back to the living room. But then you were all like, “Oh wait! One more teaspoon!” Who pees their pants? Men do. Because as any good man can tell you, “Please someone kill me now I thought it would be better than this.” Anyway, sure you’re having a fun night not pissing yourself. Congrats, Cocktongue Baby. PS that was a U2 joke which makes me even sadder.”

Thumbs up for incontinence!

Thumbs up for incontinence!

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